Love

Sounds like a very stupid word. Unmasculine, too gay. Yes, today, I need to rant about love.

To be honest, with among many girls I've been with, I only love two of them, the first was already dead and the last one is someone girlfriend. And for the other girls, please forgive me for saying I Love You in a more convincing tone, it just that I hate to tell the truth and then in return, I don't get the second laid. So for that, I blame my gender.

Love is not an easy subject. It's not an easy word to utter, it needs several criteria to be fit, several qualities to be affirm before the subject of love is defined as definite. I now understood more about the meaning of love.

Reading and listening too many wise words from people about the subject love makes me more confuse to comprehend and understands. In the end, I conclude in my own term, what's love for me means that I am happy just reading her name, thinking of her smile, recreating her voice in my ear drum, imagining her figure walking, shaking her shoulder, brushing her hair or crying her eyes. This sensation of feeling are too abstract to elaborate.

I'm in love, that true. In the other hand, I am truly fucked up. I don't know what happened to me because this feeling is beyond repair, not that I despise the feeling, no, it was lovely, it was a light of hope for me, but in the other hand, I feels like I'm too unqualified for her, my esteem getting low instantly, she was too beautiful to me, too kind, too angelic like, and for me just to be able to adore her is way too grateful and a mammoth of blessing.

Be it if she's be with me or not, I can never find her replacer, it's not easy for me to love someone this sincerely. And even if she choose not to be with me, my heart at this moment insisting that I should keep waiting, never give up to wait, because, for as far as I can ever live, I am living and truly living just by loving her.

Like Ebiet G Ade said, Kerna cinta bukan mesti bersatu.

Yes, I did think of regrets, but love is not to be forced. Love is genuine, and one day, I hope that someone will love me the way I love her.

Fuck me.

Constant Visit To Red Light

I don't know why a constant visit to the red lights are being made by me. It's not about the girls, it's not about the sex, it's not about the idea and concept of a girl slumped into the drench of fornication hence becoming a prostitute.

I'm not against them. I'm on their side, as a supporter of these hedonism lifestyle that has been posturing among human civilisation that has been prosperous for millennial.

Perhaps I'm just looking for beautiful faces. I want to see beauty, beauty of a lady, even if it's fake because I believe that woman are created just to be beautiful, and those who are not keeping up the beauty properties that they have been bestowed, they are the betrayer of the universe.

It's hard to see beautiful woman in this time, especially in my current time.

So, the best solution now is to visit a brothel, and look at them, yeah, thinking about sex with them is not my option now, to be honest, in my current age, sex is not just an excercise, it is more than that, needs romance, needs mutual, needs communication, needs laugh and needs argument.

Maybe sex is for next time, rather than I'm throwing my money, I should think of growing it.

May beauty be eternity spans to every generation of human being.

How Does It Feels?

Untuk sekian lamanya, gua tak lepak mamak sambil menaip dan memerah otak. My mind just wanted to type, to write, to explain and explore. Process ini adalah satu keajaiban neuron membolehkan gua mengakses kretiviti otak dan minda kritikal gua. 

How does it feels apabila hasil tulisan dan fikiran gua tidak dipandang dan diendah? 

Satu soalan yang senang untuk diberikan jawapannya tapi agak butthurt untuk menerimanya. 

For several weeks, the idea of dying are not as strong as before, not that I felt happy or joy with my life, it just that I got something else more significant to do rather that thinking about being dead. 

Well, death is a process, dying is a journey, memories is what a dead person left for legacy. Maybe depression encourage me to die, maybe suicide, maybe just sit alone at home imagining everything. 

I don't want to die, but I think I should. what a contradicting statement right? 

Last week, I encountered a man having a car accident. Gia adalah hero penyelamat pada hari itu. What his car capsized, I pulled him out and the first thing he said to me is that I can't barely face the world he is living and wanted to suicide. 

Well, funny is, the first thing I said to him is not to commit suicide, life is beautiful, life is meaningful, what am I lying to to him. Either I bring the best word is convincing some stranger from commenting a suicide and save my ass from all the process of clearing every fucking nonsense, or I just mean it. I don't really exactly knows. 

But eventually, I did it and helped him. Do I feel proud? Not entirely. 

Life is about death, the process, the journey, the effect on others. 

How does it feels on life after death? I don't know, it's a mystery department. For those who are religious, you got everything sort out. For me, I think I want to be cremated and my ash scattered in the wind. Peace would be my final request. 

Sentuhan Listrikmu.

What can I say about this song. One of my favorite, the song that I can relate through multiple angles, from a lover to a lover, from a son to a mother, from a man to god, from a nature to catasthrope.

For a girl that I have known and love, you are definitly have the power of sentuhan listrik without even touching. By your smile, your speech, your kindness and your sensation, it's enough to kill me.

I found peace by listening to this song. And of course, thanks to my wildest imagination, it sooth my heart.

'by chance, or nature changing course untrimmed, but thy eternal summer shall not fade' 

Forever.

Send me my sentiment

I'm a delusional man, I have wasted my imagination lingering my fantasies which are based on hope. Am I good at enduring pain, succumbing heartache to my soundless echo enviroment, isolated, alone, lost and depress.

Love is a feeling that makes a man wanting to jump into the ocean and refuse salvage.

Happiness.

Buat sepanjang hidup gua, gua telah berkawan dan bergaul dengan pelbagai jenis ragam manusia, dan perkara yang gua paling menyampah dengan sikap manusia yang sering berada di circle gua ialah keinginan mereka untuk merubah seseorang itu menjadi sama seperti mereka. 

They belive they are right, they believe they are the messiah, they believe like they have a burden to enlighting me-self from what's right and what's wrong. Albeit, they are so fucking supreme. 

Why do people behave in this way? 

Konfrontasi yang sering gua temui ialah masalah kegembiraan seseorang. Bagaimana seseorang itu melihat konteks gembira dari kaca mata mereka. Dan pencarian kegembiraan itu tidak pernah langsung sebulat suara dipersetujui. 

I believe by having a dram of scotch, a robusto sized cigar and a good companion to argue and debate, this justify my happiness, I'm happy to the moon. But it's differ with others. 

What interesting is, as a set of human being, we don't seems to have same interest. So fuck off

Agnostic

Everybody are entitle to the right of believe, the right of breath, the right of think, speech and live. If we remove this rights, our value of humanity are profoundly devalued.

Recently, I've join an Agnostic fan page on Facebook. Since I'm also one of them, I was hoping I could listen to the group opinions and perspectives toward this universe, on evolutionism vs creationism, on big bang instead of the first verse of Genesis where god made the world for seven day and on that seventh day, he take a rest, oh yeah.

I'm okay with every religious book, each book are contradicting, but it's ok as long as it suits the believer and the follower are that specific religion.

But one thing that I despise towards religious people is they like to attack and condemn others who do not vow the same pledge that they believe.

Those who do not believe in God is condemned to hell, and those who do not believe in others religion label them as infidel. And the fight goes on and on through mankind history.

And when I'm with this cyber people who claimed they are atheist or agnostic, fuck yeah they did the same fucking thing just like those religious people, condemning religion and insulting them by calling many kind of names.

What I care is just being a good human, bound by my own moral, the moral which will not hurt mentally or physically human being, a moral who treats the weak and poor better, a moral who put humanity first before beastly act. That's the true faith.

We are still in search for answer, looking for the dots and connecting them. I don't care which god any of you lot believes, I respect that, that's your choice, and I respect those who do not believe at god and those who believe there are a supreme creation but can't prove the existence, it's totally okay to believe what you want, as long as we live in peace.

Why I write

Hell fuck, gua bukan suka menulis selalu, yeap, even though gua banyak sangat sampah yang terkumpul dalam benak minda, but that's not a necessity untuk gua menulis. But when fucked up, I seek refuge under pen and paper.

For the past week, gua mengalami insomnia, kepala hotak gua banyak sangat berfikir, tanpa ada sebarang sebab konkrit untuk gua runsingkan, tapi the eager to think and menjawab persoalan why this? and why that? membuatkan insomnia menjadi satu perkara yang scary.

I argue on universe, on what is the base parameter of human existence. Hell, gua tanya soalan ni dekat kawan lama through email and she came with one simple explaination, God. Duh...

Gua tak suka menceritakan tentang pegangan dan kepercayaan gua kepada public, especially kepada orang yang gua tak kenal sebab dengan sepantas kilat gua ada mendapati diri gua telah dijatuhkan hukuman berat. What interesting about religious people is they like to condemn you to hell. Yeah, mereka adalah suci. LOL.

Dengan masalah universe, dark matter, big bang theory and spacetime continuum yang tak patut gua amik peduli, gua pun terpaksa menghadap lagi satu subjek bengong dalam kepala hotak gua, well, terima kasih kepada bahagian amygdala dalam kepala hotak gua, which is love and effection.

I don't fall in love that easy, yeah, eventually, I've been with a lot of girls, but that's just another segment on a different perspective, in any way, having an intercourse doesn't means I love someone, we just call it pragmatic excercise. And those girls are grateful too. kah kah kah.

But somehow, gua ada kryptonite. Dan awek ni memang buat gua lemah seluruh otak. Just by thinking about her, heck, just by thinking on her smile, gua lumpuh.

For me, she is the most beatiful woman I ever met, the most sweet and kind lady, gua sanggup jual roh gua kepada Rosmah jika itu yang diperlukan untuk sekadar adoring her.

Makin stress gua, tambahan tadi gua tengok movie Casablanca, lagi lah tambah stress, babi punya watak Rick, memang menjadi sedih gua tengok diri gua yang sebijik nasib macam Rick.

It's hard to eleborate the feeling of love, ia membuatkan gua seekor manusia yang logik menjadi bebal, otak gua pulak interprete dalam mekanisma yang tidak sepatutnya, hati gua macam mendorong gua naik atas tingkat tertinggi di rumah gua dan terjun kebawah.

Bak kata Shakespeare, 'all day are nights to see till I saw thee, all nights bright days when dreams do show me thee.' Gua rasa makin hari kalau makin tak dirawat, gua boleh gila lagi cepat.

The depression mood pun satu masalah, since gua tak ambil ubat, gua bergantung kepada otak gua yang dah corrupt ni untuk mengawal suis dan segala wayar-wayar otak. I can't be sane, no way, gua masih perlukan insanity untuk menari dalam otak gua walaupun gua tidak senyum.

But I'm bless, my friend, Ake are there for the past week, we chit chat a lot, telling each other stories, at least, gua rasa occupied sebab kalau lonely sangat, nanti gua akan mencadangkan diri gua untuk bunuh diri dengan cara yang sangat creative.

Kenapa gua menulis ialah salah satu rawatan yang dijanjikan berkesan, sebab gua perlu berkomunikasi walaupun dengan diri sendiri. It's healthy for me. It's also helps me to forget things that I should care but if I care it will hurts me and destroys me.

Memang fuck up betul lah. Tambahan, gua pun dah lama tak pergi hospital, isu thyroid ni pun gua tak pergi follow-up. Malas nak amik tau, macam manapun, gua hanya menunggu diri jadi baja dan makanan untuk cacing je, so, for now, gua kena push bontot gua untuk carpe diem or they call it 'seize the day.'

Harap otak gua berfungsi lagi buat masa beberapa tahun ni, banyak benda gua nak buat untuk legasi yang akan gua tinggalkan.

To Izzah, I will always go crazy for you, only me knows how crazy it is.'

Published

Sebenarnya gua boleh gila kalau fikirkan lama-lama, but the shit is happening, at last, setelah beberapa lama gua tunggu, akhirnya salah satu daripada hasil tulisan gua telah di terbitkan dan gua boleh dikatakan seekor penulis yang legit. So fucking legit,

Anyway, the feeling memang gua tak dapat nak gambarkan, more than fucking in a threesome with a hot brunette and make them squirt lemon juice. Perasaan dia memang macam gampang. Gua bapak proud dengan kemaluan gua.

OK, that's it, gua nak uruskan kemaluan gua kerana tanpanya, gua tak mungkin boleh menulis. Au revoir.

A Long Hiatus

Unpredictable, as this simple word managed to picture the reality of our life plot. Predicting on unpredictable is merely a cause of mere excitement, a pursuit of joy, a pandemonium of lunacy voices who roars beneath our subconscious mind, raging and begging to escape from sanity. Life is unpredictable.

So do I, vibrant in disguised. I totally confused for what I am inside. A heretic? A sadistic? or perhaps a dignified lunatic who spoke in between my mind and my consciousness.

As for couple of weeks back, I've quitted my job. Not that I hate that job, I love it. There's plenty of dislikes about that job, such as the environment, the ambiance, the idea of vox populi which in any respect the red carpet of the such honour only for those in favour of those who protrudes and shines. But the likes are simple, the job itself, I can meet people, talk to them, and engage with human being and practicing the most ancient craft that humanity has been perfecting over generation; Communication.

Nevertheless, I ventured back to my old profession, as a market trader, it's not easy, it's not hard but it sure making my balls hurt.

A Week of Total Hectic

Gua sibuk gila hingga gua takde masa untuk menulis.

OK, statement gua memang bullshit dan penipu, sebab gua ada banyak jugak masa yang diluangkan browsing used helicopter website, browse my favorite superbike, read ridiculous conspiracy articles which doesn't even helps me into my life progress and of couse, some amount of time into the adult website.

Gua ada saja masa dan gua dengan munafiknya mengatakan gua sangat sibuk dengan kerja. Total bulshit kan?

Anyway, gua nak wish to one asshole out there, congratulation for your new job.

A bit sad for me that Felix is not with the company, sekarang tinggallah gua untuk memperjuangkan bontot gua dan berperang untuk kekalkan kemaluan gua di D'One. I need to hit Branch Managership as fast as possible supaya gua boleh melontar diri gua ke Indonesia.

Oh yeah, I met one asshole yesterday, let just call him Jess. He's a total cunt. Gua cakap sebegitu rupa sebab dia punya perangai macam dewa yang tahu kuantiti helaian bulu kemaluan yang ada pada seekor beruk.

Kalau setakat thinking that he is the only one knows everythings tu gua takde lah kisah sangat, tapi dah kalau sampai statement bodoh pun nak gua agree, apa cerita ni brader? Otak dah tahap karat ke?

And some more, that dude is a total negative bloke, for him, everything is impossible to achieve, entah apa kena dengan otak beruk dia, segalanya imposible, bagi dia segalanya tak realistik, yang paling realistik mungkin pergi toilet dan melancap.

Apa guna hidup kalau takut untuk bermimpi?

Mimpi dan berangan, dari tindakan sedemikian, baru ada impian, lalu ada perancangan dan kemudian baru ada jalan. Bagi gua, mimpi dan teruskan bermimpi. Jangan halang imaginasi dari berlari liar sebab kalau korang takut untuk bermimpi, maka, melancap di tandas awam adalah jalan terbaik, oh sambil tu jangan lupa selfie sekali.

Anyway, lantaklah beruk tu, gua dah malas nak layan atau correcting his mind, sebab gua lebih pentingkan kepala hotak gua sendiri.

If he thinks that he had fallen into a hard life, and he still thought that only he is the only one who suffering. Sayangnya, kesusahan yang pernah dia alami hanya miminal bagi gua. He haven't taste the real suffering. Stupid asshole.

Anyway, gua nak makan. To the future, me, if I'm going to met this kind of asshole, just be sure to cut short the conversation and leave the most positive fuck to him/her.

Loss And Gained

Harini gua telah kehilangan dua ekor kawan yang gua dah anggap macam sebahagian daripada family gua sendiri. One is Felix, another one is my first generation, Syazwin.

For Felix punya case, I feel sad for him because he had to leave, he's a great chap, a good friend, an excellent singing partner sebab kitorang selalu karaoke inside his car singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Gua akan rindu gila Felix, such a good man he is.

And then I loss Syazwin, on the same fucking day. But I already expecting to loss her, after the incident when she says her grandmother is sick and she had to visit her in Terengganu, I know more and I don't want to embarrass her if let say she read this post.

For her, I took her as my life lesson, I training ground, what do's and what don'ts. Gua akan ingat saat ketawa bersama, saat dia menangis berpuluh kali dan gua terpaksa pujuk, saat dia buat first sign up dan buat gua bangga gila, saat dia handle situation dan objection dengan independent. I will remember that and it will be my sweet memory throught my journey.

What loss is loss. Apa yang hilang akan diganti dengan perkara baru, gua sentiasa percaya universe akan berlaku adil kepada binatang macam gua.

So today, what a great day to start with, I hang out with my bro, we had maggi kari dan a glass of scotch, even thought Glenfiddich 12 is not my favorite, at least ok and no complain sebab ianya free.

And today, I gain a new future scandal, Aisyah, met her with her boyfriend at The Curve, she still give me her number although she's taken, bangsa awek senang sangat terpedaya bila gua cakap 'actually, you beauty mesmerized me for a minute, forgive me for staring at you and not blinking my eye.' What a stupid perempuan and I like this kind of awek.

And anothe fucking thing that I've gained. Ade seekor MILF boleh pulak mengorat gua. Kahkahkah.... dia call gua, then bilang sama gua kalau ada masa boleh keluar minum-minum, borak-borak, jadi friend-friend, LOL, mungkin gua kena buat background check, kalau dia memang jutawan, mungkin gua gadaikan teruna gua dengan harga yang berpatutan, i.e. sebijik Ferrari. LOL

Anyway, masa dah lewat, gua nak makan dulu, nanti gua sambung story kalau ada masa

Get fucked and Be Fucked

For all of my life, I adhere several moral codes.

1. Never lie
2. Never betray
3. Never fuck what's inappropriate to be fuck

And yet, I've been fucked. Total fucked up by some motherfuckers who think that I'm not that smart in the art of observation and human behavior.

Either friends, associates and ever ex-girlfriends. They fucked with me and fuck me to the max and testing my patience and toleration.

What's there for me to embrace rather that words that has been laid down to me. I trust human being as I see every single soul as an innocence creation.

What do I learn from human shall be summed up in one word; Hypocrite.

I have been fucked in the past, I shall be fucked in present time and I will be fucked in the future, this will be an interesting story for me.

I trust karma. I will be good to the good, good to the bad and good to the universe.

Life is short. I almost lost mine the day before yesterday, almost got rammed by a fucking MPV while crossing the road, it hits my shoulder but I was saved by a good samaritan.

What an ironic situation for me, I have been escaping death for many times, some says I should be grateful, some says I should repent, some say it's not my time yet to day but of course when the time came, it shall be tragic.

Life is short, and I have already given my piece of pie back to the society, I done my dues, I got nothing left for myself except for the fact that I need to work in order to sustain the life that I feel sad day by day.

It's hard to be positive and motivating myself just in order for me to escape from feeling depression, but somehow, I feel like I really should just ends everything now. It's totally fucked up when I started to feel disappointed because of human behavior.

It's really late and I can't really sleep, I am sleepy but my emotion are too powerful and swayed me to a melancholia lullaby. And yes, my lullaby will still be Gloomy Sunday, that's my fucking jam, that's my anthem.

Fuck me when you wanted it. I am fuckable. For surety, even my dick is community property, I wont dip my Napoleon BONERparte cock any nearer to any of these fucking cunt. And again, thank for the fuck. It's a good lesson and those of you has managed to convincing me that I am fucking stupid in putting faith upon every single soul that I know.

Fuck me for trying hard to be a fucking nice asshole.

Life as 2015

Bermulalah tahun 2015. Takdak spesial pun, I'm still the same, always insane dalam diam, but overall, 2015 just like any other years. 

Well, several old friends asked me tentang new year resolution. Well, fuck new year resolution, fuck it all. It's all fucking nonsense. 

Gua cuma ada goal, goal gua simple, gua nak berambus secepat mungkin keluar Malaysia, I see the door, I see the opportunity, I am fucking going berambus. Well, that's my goal, but imagine if my goal is just a resolution, how would I perceived the idea of moving out from Malaysia? 

Bagi gua resolution hanyalah excuse setiap binatang every year. My ex-gf loves to have resolution, she good at it, and she's fucking good at not achieving it as well. Bangsa perempuan memang macam tu. 

Oh, bercakap mengenai perempuan, semalam gua pick up a new chick, Moetiya namanya, boleh tahan lah cun dia, entah mix bangsa apa, binatang apa, genetik apa, semua tu gua tak kisah, asalkan cun dan ada nenen cukup lah. 

Story celaka ni bermula sewaktu gua tengah tunggu shuttle bus di Ikea. Memang bangsat gila, gua tunggu punya lah lama, sampai lah gua fed up. Memandangkan di depan gua sewaktu gua berbaris ada seekor awek, gua tak tengok muka dia, tapi dia pakai blouse warna merah, well,,,,, bagi gua, awek berbaju merah sangat sexy, gua suka gila. 

So, gua pun berbual sekejap dengan dia demi membuang masa, then, entah macam mana, kitorang abaikan shuttle bas dan naik teksi sesama pergi LRT Kelana Jaya, dah lah time tu hujan lebat, ditambah lagi dengan kesejukan bayu malam, sang awek pun tengah kesejukan, jadi gua yang bertopengkan serigala ni pun offer lah blazer gua untuk menghangatkan tubuh badannya. 

Babi betul kan gua? Memang babi, yang pasti gua sangat bergaya dalam berperangai binatang, kahkahakahkah, koleksi gua makin bertambah, gua bersimpati keatas anak-anak gua yang bakal terbuang pada minggu depan, sobs.... sobss... sobsss.....  daddy tak berniat untuk sia-siakan korang, tapi daddy tak bersedia untuk menjadi bapak kepada awek yang daddy bakal lupakan namanya dalam masa 2 minggu... harap anak-anakku maklum akan kenyataan ini. 

Alright, memandangkan gua mulakan tahun baru ini dengan awek bernama Moetiya, ini memberi satu indicator yang tahun ini masa depan gua sangat cerah. 

All the cewek-cewek in Indonesia, kalian bersedialah kerna Mas Eighteen bakal ke sana.