Love

Sounds like a very stupid word. Unmasculine, too gay. Yes, today, I need to rant about love.

To be honest, with among many girls I've been with, I only love two of them, the first was already dead and the last one is someone girlfriend. And for the other girls, please forgive me for saying I Love You in a more convincing tone, it just that I hate to tell the truth and then in return, I don't get the second laid. So for that, I blame my gender.

Love is not an easy subject. It's not an easy word to utter, it needs several criteria to be fit, several qualities to be affirm before the subject of love is defined as definite. I now understood more about the meaning of love.

Reading and listening too many wise words from people about the subject love makes me more confuse to comprehend and understands. In the end, I conclude in my own term, what's love for me means that I am happy just reading her name, thinking of her smile, recreating her voice in my ear drum, imagining her figure walking, shaking her shoulder, brushing her hair or crying her eyes. This sensation of feeling are too abstract to elaborate.

I'm in love, that true. In the other hand, I am truly fucked up. I don't know what happened to me because this feeling is beyond repair, not that I despise the feeling, no, it was lovely, it was a light of hope for me, but in the other hand, I feels like I'm too unqualified for her, my esteem getting low instantly, she was too beautiful to me, too kind, too angelic like, and for me just to be able to adore her is way too grateful and a mammoth of blessing.

Be it if she's be with me or not, I can never find her replacer, it's not easy for me to love someone this sincerely. And even if she choose not to be with me, my heart at this moment insisting that I should keep waiting, never give up to wait, because, for as far as I can ever live, I am living and truly living just by loving her.

Like Ebiet G Ade said, Kerna cinta bukan mesti bersatu.

Yes, I did think of regrets, but love is not to be forced. Love is genuine, and one day, I hope that someone will love me the way I love her.

Fuck me.

Constant Visit To Red Light

I don't know why a constant visit to the red lights are being made by me. It's not about the girls, it's not about the sex, it's not about the idea and concept of a girl slumped into the drench of fornication hence becoming a prostitute.

I'm not against them. I'm on their side, as a supporter of these hedonism lifestyle that has been posturing among human civilisation that has been prosperous for millennial.

Perhaps I'm just looking for beautiful faces. I want to see beauty, beauty of a lady, even if it's fake because I believe that woman are created just to be beautiful, and those who are not keeping up the beauty properties that they have been bestowed, they are the betrayer of the universe.

It's hard to see beautiful woman in this time, especially in my current time.

So, the best solution now is to visit a brothel, and look at them, yeah, thinking about sex with them is not my option now, to be honest, in my current age, sex is not just an excercise, it is more than that, needs romance, needs mutual, needs communication, needs laugh and needs argument.

Maybe sex is for next time, rather than I'm throwing my money, I should think of growing it.

May beauty be eternity spans to every generation of human being.

How Does It Feels?

Untuk sekian lamanya, gua tak lepak mamak sambil menaip dan memerah otak. My mind just wanted to type, to write, to explain and explore. Process ini adalah satu keajaiban neuron membolehkan gua mengakses kretiviti otak dan minda kritikal gua. 

How does it feels apabila hasil tulisan dan fikiran gua tidak dipandang dan diendah? 

Satu soalan yang senang untuk diberikan jawapannya tapi agak butthurt untuk menerimanya. 

For several weeks, the idea of dying are not as strong as before, not that I felt happy or joy with my life, it just that I got something else more significant to do rather that thinking about being dead. 

Well, death is a process, dying is a journey, memories is what a dead person left for legacy. Maybe depression encourage me to die, maybe suicide, maybe just sit alone at home imagining everything. 

I don't want to die, but I think I should. what a contradicting statement right? 

Last week, I encountered a man having a car accident. Gia adalah hero penyelamat pada hari itu. What his car capsized, I pulled him out and the first thing he said to me is that I can't barely face the world he is living and wanted to suicide. 

Well, funny is, the first thing I said to him is not to commit suicide, life is beautiful, life is meaningful, what am I lying to to him. Either I bring the best word is convincing some stranger from commenting a suicide and save my ass from all the process of clearing every fucking nonsense, or I just mean it. I don't really exactly knows. 

But eventually, I did it and helped him. Do I feel proud? Not entirely. 

Life is about death, the process, the journey, the effect on others. 

How does it feels on life after death? I don't know, it's a mystery department. For those who are religious, you got everything sort out. For me, I think I want to be cremated and my ash scattered in the wind. Peace would be my final request. 

Sentuhan Listrikmu.

What can I say about this song. One of my favorite, the song that I can relate through multiple angles, from a lover to a lover, from a son to a mother, from a man to god, from a nature to catasthrope.

For a girl that I have known and love, you are definitly have the power of sentuhan listrik without even touching. By your smile, your speech, your kindness and your sensation, it's enough to kill me.

I found peace by listening to this song. And of course, thanks to my wildest imagination, it sooth my heart.

'by chance, or nature changing course untrimmed, but thy eternal summer shall not fade' 

Forever.

Send me my sentiment

I'm a delusional man, I have wasted my imagination lingering my fantasies which are based on hope. Am I good at enduring pain, succumbing heartache to my soundless echo enviroment, isolated, alone, lost and depress.

Love is a feeling that makes a man wanting to jump into the ocean and refuse salvage.

Happiness.

Buat sepanjang hidup gua, gua telah berkawan dan bergaul dengan pelbagai jenis ragam manusia, dan perkara yang gua paling menyampah dengan sikap manusia yang sering berada di circle gua ialah keinginan mereka untuk merubah seseorang itu menjadi sama seperti mereka. 

They belive they are right, they believe they are the messiah, they believe like they have a burden to enlighting me-self from what's right and what's wrong. Albeit, they are so fucking supreme. 

Why do people behave in this way? 

Konfrontasi yang sering gua temui ialah masalah kegembiraan seseorang. Bagaimana seseorang itu melihat konteks gembira dari kaca mata mereka. Dan pencarian kegembiraan itu tidak pernah langsung sebulat suara dipersetujui. 

I believe by having a dram of scotch, a robusto sized cigar and a good companion to argue and debate, this justify my happiness, I'm happy to the moon. But it's differ with others. 

What interesting is, as a set of human being, we don't seems to have same interest. So fuck off

Agnostic

Everybody are entitle to the right of believe, the right of breath, the right of think, speech and live. If we remove this rights, our value of humanity are profoundly devalued.

Recently, I've join an Agnostic fan page on Facebook. Since I'm also one of them, I was hoping I could listen to the group opinions and perspectives toward this universe, on evolutionism vs creationism, on big bang instead of the first verse of Genesis where god made the world for seven day and on that seventh day, he take a rest, oh yeah.

I'm okay with every religious book, each book are contradicting, but it's ok as long as it suits the believer and the follower are that specific religion.

But one thing that I despise towards religious people is they like to attack and condemn others who do not vow the same pledge that they believe.

Those who do not believe in God is condemned to hell, and those who do not believe in others religion label them as infidel. And the fight goes on and on through mankind history.

And when I'm with this cyber people who claimed they are atheist or agnostic, fuck yeah they did the same fucking thing just like those religious people, condemning religion and insulting them by calling many kind of names.

What I care is just being a good human, bound by my own moral, the moral which will not hurt mentally or physically human being, a moral who treats the weak and poor better, a moral who put humanity first before beastly act. That's the true faith.

We are still in search for answer, looking for the dots and connecting them. I don't care which god any of you lot believes, I respect that, that's your choice, and I respect those who do not believe at god and those who believe there are a supreme creation but can't prove the existence, it's totally okay to believe what you want, as long as we live in peace.