Love

Sounds like a very stupid word. Unmasculine, too gay. Yes, today, I need to rant about love.

To be honest, with among many girls I've been with, I only love two of them, the first was already dead and the last one is someone girlfriend. And for the other girls, please forgive me for saying I Love You in a more convincing tone, it just that I hate to tell the truth and then in return, I don't get the second laid. So for that, I blame my gender.

Love is not an easy subject. It's not an easy word to utter, it needs several criteria to be fit, several qualities to be affirm before the subject of love is defined as definite. I now understood more about the meaning of love.

Reading and listening too many wise words from people about the subject love makes me more confuse to comprehend and understands. In the end, I conclude in my own term, what's love for me means that I am happy just reading her name, thinking of her smile, recreating her voice in my ear drum, imagining her figure walking, shaking her shoulder, brushing her hair or crying her eyes. This sensation of feeling are too abstract to elaborate.

I'm in love, that true. In the other hand, I am truly fucked up. I don't know what happened to me because this feeling is beyond repair, not that I despise the feeling, no, it was lovely, it was a light of hope for me, but in the other hand, I feels like I'm too unqualified for her, my esteem getting low instantly, she was too beautiful to me, too kind, too angelic like, and for me just to be able to adore her is way too grateful and a mammoth of blessing.

Be it if she's be with me or not, I can never find her replacer, it's not easy for me to love someone this sincerely. And even if she choose not to be with me, my heart at this moment insisting that I should keep waiting, never give up to wait, because, for as far as I can ever live, I am living and truly living just by loving her.

Like Ebiet G Ade said, Kerna cinta bukan mesti bersatu.

Yes, I did think of regrets, but love is not to be forced. Love is genuine, and one day, I hope that someone will love me the way I love her.

Fuck me.