While typing, I accompanied this moment of mine with a song sang by Katherine Jenkins, Parla Piu Piano. Memang depressing gila, depressing in order to commemorate farewell to the year of my hardship.
Many things telah berlaku kepada gua pada tahun ini, homeless, penniless, been treated poorly, been treated respectfully, a social worker, a backpacker, a fundraiser and still, I will never forget my self foundation, I'm still a madman who wishes to die in a way I deem honorable.
I was so bless this year by meeting D'One Pacific, even though plenty for fucking corporate asshole trying to invite me to join back to the capitalist world, even though my old friends who saw me on the street in a freaking hot climate still enjoying myself, pitching, smiling and maintained positivity and been ridiculed by them for saying that I'm the most idiotic motherfucker ever. But no sweat, no worries, I am an Idiot for them.
Tonight, I was done with team night meeting with my team, it was a pleasant moment, it's not about the free food that my friend treated, it is about the companion that they provide to me that I truly appreciate a lot. Thanks a fucking a lot guys.
Tapi yang paling interesting malam ini, I met Stella, my former girlfriend. Yes, she looks happy dan gua kelihatan sangat terrible, after selepas kehilangan berat badan, selepas rambut panjang gua telah dipotong kepada pendek, selepas segala kesusahan hidup yang ke-stress-an hidup yang gua tempuhi yang telah membuatkan muka dan ekspressi muka gua macam binatang yang sesat di padang tandus.
Yes, she looks happy, that's not good to me. Sebab gua sepatutnya happy in life, but most of my time, gua hanya fikir untuk mampus. Indeed I can pretend to look positive and happy every single day and time in front of people, eventually, it just a mask that I used to cover every thing from any asshole to avoid any kind of fucking stupid question about my emotion.
2014, you has always been interesting to me, gua takkan lupakan kegilaan yang gua tempuhi sepanjang tahun ini. Pada 2015, it's time for me to do something for someone, at least I'm going to leave something behind for someone that I somehow secretly care.
Seekor manusia tidak ada nilai jika matinya hanya sia-sia, seekor manusia tidak ada nilai jika hidupnya juga sia-sia. Seekor manusia hanya bernilai kepada orang yang peduli kepadanya saja.
Maybe 2015 is the time, maybe not, I'm still tak jumpa alasan untuk membuat langkah besar ini. Or should it be like the Seven Pounds? Fuck it all.
I just want to go to Indonesia, breath a new air, smile at new faces, dan gua berharap gua akan ketawa untuk seseorang dan kepada seseorang yang bernilai untuk gua ketawakan.
Life is not for the good people.
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